25.12.2016 2:05
Mõõtsin veresuhkrut. Teist korda. Homme tulevad vist sugulased, täna alustasin pluusiga. Kerge jõulumelanhoolia. Ma ise pole veel peret heitnud, nii lõppeb pidulikkus ruttu.
25.12.2016 11:39
Hommikune mõõtmine oli tuim. Täna tahan rääkida sõnaõigusest kodustes vestlustes, aga mul ei ole mitte mingisugust tunnet. Arvasin, et mu keha reageerib kuidagi. Veri oli aga normis.
25.12.2016 15:22
Veresuhkur on madalam kui see vahemik, mida loetakse normaalseks. Kui palju tohib süüa, ilma et veresuhkru tase ei muutuks ainult sellest, vaid emotsionaalsest tasemest?
25.12.2016 19:46
Veresuhkur tõuseb. Samuti veel enne sööki. Külaliste sisseastudes. Praegu sõin kooki ja jõin kohvi. Proovin jälgida südame rütmi kõrvale.
25.12.2016 22:42
Seest iiveldab ja südamerütm on kergelt muutunud. Kõrvetasin vist pluusi ära.
25.12.2016 23:22
Tegin ära. Veresuhkur ei muutunud päeva jooksul nii väga. Südamerütm küll. Pulss tõusis pooleteise tunni jooksul pidevalt, keha värises, hääl värises ja tämber oli rääkides teine. Pooled jutud jäid rääkimata, keskendusin vaid ühele. Mis tähendab, et kõik me tulevased vestlused on ikka püramiidina üles ehitatud ja häälekõvadus määrab vestlusjärje. Aga nüüd, olles natuke rohkem alasti, ootan ma neid kokkusaamisi palju enam.
VERESUHKUR
25.12. 01:52. Söönud. 5.1
25.12. 11:39. Söömata. 4.7
25.12. 15:22. Söömata. 3.4
25.12. 19:46. Söönud. 4.7
25.12. 23:22. Söönud. 5.0
26.12. 02:08. Söömata. 5.2
26.12. 11:28. Söömata. 4.9
VERERÕHK
25.12.2016.
20:10. SYS 112. DIA 71. PULSS 84.
22:06. SYS 118. DIA 72. PULSS 85.
22:22. SYS 134. DIA 76. PULSS 97.
22:50. SYS 126. DIA 73. PULSS 97.
23:20. SYS 138. DIA 84. PULSS 106.
23:30. SYS 127. DIA 82. PULSS 104.
23:55. SYS 123. DIA 68. PULSS 74.
MI FIT SAMMUKELL
1547 sammu (1,1km)
Uni 7 tundi 21 minutit, vahemikus 2:35-10:23
Sügav uni 2 tundi 48 minutit
Kerge uni 4 tundi 33 minutit
Ärkvelolekut 27 minutit
Mulle on tõe rääkimine raske. Otsustasin kodus selle nimel võidelda. Olin hetkedeks aus ja vajutasin esimese enesekaitsest erutunud vere uuele pluusile.
See kõik siin, iga detail.
24. ja 25. detsembril 2016 tegin lõike ja õmblesin valgest linasest kangast endale pluusi. Märkisin õmbluskohti algul seebiga ja pärast triikisin need kogemata sisse. Kuidagi kõrvetasin ära ka pluusi turja. Ma ei tea, ärevus, süda lõi kiiremini kaasa. See sama aeg aastas, ka 26. detsember, on minu jaoks nagunii pingeline: eesmärgipärane pingutus pere ühise aja nimel, millele tavaliselt järgneb emotsionaalne langus pärast igat jõulupühade õhtusööki.
„Tehtud! Kas sõnajärg jõudis seekord kõigini?“
Meil on lahe pere, tore suguvõsa ja meid on palju. Nii sõltub sõnajärg, -õigus, aga ka sõna õigsus vahel mitte võrdsusest, vaid hääle tugevusest, enese tugevusest või emotsionaalsest tasakaalust väiteid esitada. Võimalik sõnasõda. Kuid ega päris sõjas samuti oodata, et iga mees ette astuda saab, enne kui uut rünnakut alustatakse.
Varem toetusin rohkem oletatavatele tõdedele, nüüd enam tegelikele. Usk on kaasas ka siis, kui sõdin ema sõnade vastu. Süda lööb kiiremini, ärevus kasvab, hääl ja sõnakasutus muutuvad teravamaks.
Seekord võtsin kokku, mõõtsin ära ja märkisin üles erinevad näitajad oma iserelvistuvas kehas.
The foremost task of the mail armour is protection. I need protection at that precise moment in which I am completely honest with my family.
Battle weapons. Agitation, changing blood sugar levels, faster digestion, nausea, elevated blood pressure, quickened and then drastically lowered pulse, quivering voice and loss thereof.
Battle vesture. A white linen shirt and two drops of dried blood on the shirt from when I had stated my case.
December 25, 2016 11:22 p.m.
25th December 2016 2:05 AM
Measured my blood sugar. For the second time. Family’s coming tomorrow, I guess; got started with the blouse today. Slight Xmas melancholy. As there are no fledglings in my nest, festivities come to a rapid end.
25th December 2016 11:39 AM
Morning measurements were dull. Today I want to talk about the right of say in family discussions but there’s no special sensation whatsoever. Thought my body would have a reaction of sorts. Still, my blood was normal.
25th December 2016 03:22 PM
Blood sugar’s dropped below the range considered normal. How much can you eat so that blood sugar levels wouldn’t change due to food intake only but due to your emotional level?
25th December 2016 07:46 PM
Blood sugar’s rising. Before eating as well. Just as the guests are walking in. Had cake and coffee just now. I try and monitor my heart rate on the side.
25th December 2016 10:42 PM
Feel nauseous and my heart rate’s changed slightly. Think I burned the blouse.
25th December 2016 11:22 PM
I did it. Blood sugar didn’t vary that much throughout the day. Heart rate did, though. My heart rate kept increasing continuously during the hour and a half; my body trembled, my voice quivered, and the timbre of my voice was different when I spoke. Didn’t address half the stuff, concentrated on one particular topic. Which means that all our future conversation will still be build following a pyramid-like structure and the loudness of your voice will determine the speaking order. However, now - a little more naked – I look forward to these get-togethers much more.
BLOOD SUGAR
25th December 01:52 AM. After eating. 5.1
25th December 11:39 AM. Before eating. 4.7
25th December 03:22 PM. Before eating. 3.4
25th December 07:46 PM. After eating. 4.7
25th December 11:22 PM. After eating. 5.0
26th December 02:08 AM. Before eating. 5.2
26th December 11:28 AM. Before eating. 4.9
BLOOD PRESSURE
25th December 2016.
08:10 PM. SYS 112. DIA 71. PULSE 84.
10:06 PM. SYS 118. DIA 72. PULSE 85.
10:22 PM. SYS 134. DIA 76. PULSE 97.
10:50 PM. SYS 126. DIA 73. PULSE 97.
11:20 PM. SYS 138. DIA 84. PULSE 106.
11:30 PM. SYS 127. DIA 82. PULSE 104.
11:55 PM. SYS 123. DIA 68. PULSE 74.
MI FIT BAND
1547 steps (1,1km)
Sleep 7 hours 21 minutes, from 02:35 AM until 10:23 AM
Deep sleep 2 hours 48 minutes
Light sleep 4 hours 33 minutes
Being awake 27 minutes
It is difficult for me to tell the truth. I decided to put up a fight for it at home. I was honest for a minute and pressed the first self-defence-exited drops of blood on my new blouse.
All this here, every detail.
On 24 and 25 December, I made my own pattern and sewed a blouse for myself from a white linen fabric. First, I marked the stitching line using soap and then I accidentally ironed it all in. Somehow I also managed to burn the scruff of the blouse. I don’t know – I was all nervous, my heart was beating to a fast-paced beat. This time of the year, including 26 December, is stressful for me as it is: making a purposeful effort for the sake of family time, usually followed by an emotional low after each Christmas dinner.
“Done! Did everyone get their turn to speak this time?”
We have a cool family, a nice extended family, and there are a lot of us. Thus, it goes that getting a turn to speak, the right to speak – and, well, actually the rightness of what’s being said – sometimes depends not on equality but on the strength of one’s voice, one’s fortitude, or an emotional equilibrium of sorts requisite to stating one’s standpoint. A possible war of words. But then again, no one stands around in real war, each man waiting for his turn to step forward, before commencing a new advance.
I used to rely more on presumed truths, while now I lean more readily on actual truths. I have my faith also when warring against my mother’s words. My heart beats faster, excitement rises, my voice and my use of words become sharper.
This time around I summed up, measured, and noted down the various indicators in my self-arming body.
FOTOD / PHOTOS:
Gete Tiirats
KODULEHT / WEBSITE:
Ranno Ait